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 | "If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the
courses should be laughing, then jumping off something." | |
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Found in the topic Laugh.
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| "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." | |
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Found in the topic Tree.
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| "You know what the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a
flea? Getting caught inside of a watch. You dont even care do you." | |
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Found in the topic Unsorted.
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| "If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun
in my holster, I"d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck
cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He"s carrying a soldering iron!"
and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just
say, "That"s right, it"s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun
of the soldering iron of justice." | |
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Found in the topic Alcohol.
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| "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself: "Mankind". Basically, it"s made up of two separate words - "mank"
and "ind". What do these words mean? It"s a mystery, and that"s why so is
mankind." | |
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Found in the topic Man.
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| "We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can"t scoff
at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me." | |
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Found in the topic Belief.
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| "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."" | |
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Found in the topic God.
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| "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried
and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
late." | |
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Found in the topic Disney.
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| "Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said,
"Hey, how"s it going?" So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his
head and said "Now who"s asking the questions?"" | |
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Found in the topic Question.
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| "To me, it"s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."" | |
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Found in the topic Hand.
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| "Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let"s say
you"re an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been
turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!,
you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the
radio and say he"s not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat
man."" | |
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Found in the topic Astrology.
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